Ella disenchanted

I never thought I'd have to be concerned about Ella, especially not at this age. It's Madison's passions that lead her down dark paths, not my sunny Ella. But Ella's skittishness has been ramped up even more, and I'm just not sure what to do. Yesterday, she didn't want me to leave her at Gym and Swim at the Y. So I said, OK, I'll sit here until you feel comfortable. That usually works. So there I was, sitting on a log outside the Y on a beautiful warm sunny spring day, watching a bunch of kids practice lacrosse, but wishing I could get on with my five errands that I'd planned for this stretch of time. Ella, though, couldn't hack it, even with me there; about 10 minutes in, she burst into tears, and so I took her out and took her with me.

I think, unfortunately, I was instrumental in causing this yesterday...if I'd just told her no problem, I'm delighted just to watch for the whole 2 hours, then she'd have been fine. But I'd told her that I had errands to run for at least some of that time, so could she please wave at me when it was ok to go? I think that was too much pressure and uncertainty.

And then, she couldn't even go to dance yesterday afternoon, this new dance class that she loves. She and Madison have dance and karate at the same time, about a mile and a half apart. I used to drop Madison, drop Ella, run to the grocery store, pick up Madison, pick up Ella (dance class lasts 15 minutes longer than karate). You know, some "me" time to get something done quickly that takes longer when you're lugging kids. But recently I've had to stay with Ella for most of her class, leave for 10 minutes to pick up Madison, and come back and get Ella.

And then as of a few weeks ago it's gotten worse; Ella has begged me to stay for the whole dance class and not to leave her. Madison doesn't mind reading a book for 20 minutes after karate, waiting for us, but it still takes 20 minutes out of my end-of-the-workday work with clients or my dinner-making time. Then I thought it was getting a little better, and last week I told Ella that I was going to leave a little early to whirl around and pick up Madison before Ella was done. But she ran after me as I left to get Madison, and dragged me back in to class, pleading with me not to go...fortunately we'd planned for this, and Madison had brought her book and was ok with waiting. I'm afraid I came back in with a bit of a frustrated expression. Ella was very embarrassed by her behavior and apologetic all week, which really made me regret my frustration.

But then, yesterday, she didn't want to go to dance AT ALL. Given her behavior earlier in the day at Gym and Swim, I thought I wouldn't push it, but told her she'd have to go to karate instead. That was fine, she said, as I'm usually there and if not I'm just at Wegmans across the street, and Madison was there. After I dropped them at karate I went and made apologies to the dance instructor, as there are only four little girls in the class, and I knew she'd wait for Ella to come to start class, so I didn't want to hold things up. But then I knew Ella would be looking for me to come back to karate, so I went back.

The fact is, I think that my recent analysis of this, that Ella is on what she sees as the precipice of this wide, scary world that she has just realized exists, and she's a bit freaked out and wants security. I think she'll grow out of it with some calm, tender, matter-of-fact parenting. We just have to wait.

In the meantime, the things that are really frustrating me are:

1) While Ella really does try to manage during the class even if she's upset (as she tried for 10 minutes at Gym and Swim yesterday), she doesn't seem in principle to be trying to find the root of this problem, figure out what is wrong, or actively work toward stopping it. I try, believe me I try, to talk with her about it. She just says she doesn't know. And she's not even agreeing that exactly it's something she'll have to work to get over; I get a bit of blankness when we try to talk about it. It's hard not to compare her with Madison, who, if this had happened to her, would be analyzing the heck out of herself, putting forth theories, giving ideas about what can be done about it.

2) I've lost all of the "me time" that I used to count on. I can't just drop Ella at any class anymore and do something that's easier to do without kids, or go home and work. I used to count on long stretches of hours during the summer when I could work in blissful silence while they were at camp. Now, I haven't signed her up for ANY camp this year, she doesn't want to go. David has said that maybe a few stretches of bringing Ella with him to the office this summer to hang around reading while Madison has engineering camp at RIT will help bore her enough that she'd rather go to camp with Madison later in the summer. Maybe that will work. At any rate, it will give me some time alone, even if not without guilt for making him lug Ella with him to a small office.

Well, if anyone has other suggestions, I'm all ears.