Patrick

Today, my dear friend Patrick will finish up his final chemotherapy treatment for colon cancer, the 12th of 12, although it will be some time before the side effects completely release him. What a year it has been for him. The prognosis is good, I’m happy and relieved to say.

Patrick and his family actually have a lot to do with who I am as an adult. On October 19, 1991, Patrick’s little brother was in a near-fatal car accident and took 5 weeks to emerge from a coma. We were 22, Dan was 17. That was a soul-etching incident for me, and it’s the reason I am cheerful, as a rule, now. Really. We didn’t know whether Dan would live, or ever be himself again. I remember being in terrible pain about this...then, right at the depths of my despair, it occurred to me that I’d never felt as acutely alive as I had at that moment.

After that, everything was relative to that day. No matter what setbacks occurred in my life, as long as no one was terribly sick, or in the hospital, or dying, I have typically been able to keep it relatively in perspective and, mostly, not let it get me down. So, I’m usually very cheerful, unless someone I love is in physical or emotional pain, or in the hospital, or dead. (Or, also, if I find out I’ve done inadvertent harm to someone. Okay, and I get morose when I'm sick.)

I got a call on October 20, 2001. Exactly 10 years to the day after his brother’s accident, Patrick himself was in a near-fatal car accident in Michigan and took months to recover from a head injury and other injuries. The accident permanently damaged one of his optic nerves; one of those beautiful blue eyes will never be the same. The effects of the accident will probably always be with him – he gets tired more easily, for instance. And then, this spring, he was diagnosed with cancer and they removed half his colon. Christ.

See, really bad stuff happens. People die sometimes. People’s children die. There is war and oppression in the world. But my children are alive. They are healthy. They are smart. I feel almost guilty about it sometimes, when not everyone can say that. I will admit that not infrequently, I find myself beating back the fear of losing Madison and Ella to some illness, or to some accident. But even that image helps me maintain equilibrium in the face of day-to-day setbacks, because so long as that is not happening, I can’t say that it’s too bad.

I have been criticized in the past for being too cheerful, for always saying everything is good even when, technically, not everything is ideal. The accusation has been that I'm not being "real"...i.e., not showing my "real" emotions when I'm stressed, or mildly upset. On the one hand, I'm married to an ex-Presbyterian and have learned why stiff-upper-lipping it beats collapsing under pressure any day. And reason IS superior to emotion as a tool for managing life.

But, also, I think it's important to note that I'm not being phony. Life IS good, at least as long as we’re not being faced with a real tragedy. We live in a mostly free society where people can mostly accomplish what they reasonably attempt. One has the choice to focus on positive things, or dwell on negative things. So long as I'm not ignoring anything important, I choose the positive things.

Patrick has cheated death twice. His continued existence here on the planet is one of many bright spots in my life, and in the lives of a lot of other people as well. He is alive, so I am happy.