FROM DEB:
There are a couple of schools of thought regarding parental involvement in their children's disputes, but they boil down to:
1) Let them alone
and
2) Adjudicate
Man, it's tempting just to let them alone. The squabbles are so petty, and there are so many of them. "Let them work it out," people advise. "How are they going to learn to work it out if you always get in the middle?"
And then things like this morning happen:
Ella and Madison are watching a video. Ella picks up the remote and pauses it. "I need to go potty," she announces.
"Potty!" screeches Madison. She pushes past Ella and races her to the nearest bathroom. Madison reaches it first.
Ella bursts into tears. She is upset that Madison has again used this opportunity to "beat" her to something, when it was something that Ella really needed to use. Now, it's not as though it was a dire emergency for either of them; Madison hadn't noticed until Ella drew her attention to the issue that she had to go, and rather than forget the tears until after she uses the upstairs bathroom, Ella stops, wailing, outside the downstairs bathroom, and uses it after Madison. She's far more upset that Madison has done this to her than that she has to wait another minute to use the bathroom.
If I was of the "let them alone to work it out" persuasion, Madison would always win because she's bigger and stronger and faster, and there would be no negative consequences to her discourtesy because Ella isn't the kind of a person to retaliate...now, that is. The mild bullying would continue. And if Ella had no recourse (i.e., me), then she'd grow up dejected about the kind of world this is, albeit resigned to it.
So we step in to talk with Madison about how this is not an instance of her behaving like the kind of person she wants to be. Madison, of course, feels very strongly -- in the abstract -- that she wants to be a good person. So she overreacts to the pointing out of a wrong act, as usual, and is sent up to her room to think about this.
Sigh.
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3 comments:
I find it helps to not so much make it a courtesy issue for the offender, but highly inconvenient when they're caught.
For instance, if Raymond and Riley were in a similar situation, Raymond might have to show me that he can calmly walk to the bathroom - 10 or 15 times; while the video continues in his absence (Riley being allowed to watch). Slowing things down to an excruciating pace - well, it's better punishment than "punishment."
Laura, this is a really nice idea. David pointed out that it can be applied across a whole broad spectrum of misbehaviors. Thanks!
Deb,
I'm reading the book Children: The Challenge. This one comes down firmly in the "let them work it out" camp. The author reminds us that the little one can usually take care of himself pretty well (when he chooses to do so.)
He further claims that much of the fighting among siblings is for the purpose of drawing in an adult for attention.
The author claims that the new dilemmas we face raising kids are due to a change in how we, the parents, view them. We are more likely to see our children as functioning individuals in their own right, rather than seeing them as subservient to adults, or as our property.
I know that much of what I've embraced as the "right way" to think of my young children is certainly more along this line. I've been very definitely influenced by Montessori and The Continuum Concept - - both of which consider extremely young children as "fully functioning" as persons, but in need of guidance.
Unfortunately this view point leaves one with precious little in the way of ammunition on how to deal with children acting - well - childishly.
I'm not saying I totally agree with this author, but it does help illuminate how I painted myself into this corner, parenting-wise.
We'll talk about this soon, I hope!
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