Tradition!

We've been watching the movie of Fiddler on the Roof after dinner the last couple of nights.

I am endlessly fascinated by having an adult experience of things I watched or read as a kid. Fiddler on the Roof is a good example.

We had the Zero Mostel record of the Broadway Show as a kid, and I know all the words to every song. I was in the show in a summer production when I was 16 (as Motel's mother, I had one line). I saw it on stage several times. So I knew that show.

I even thought I knew what it was about. Tradition, right? Sure. Now, the show is somewhat ambivalent about tradition, as are, I guess, a lot of people. But for sure, the show was about how letting the father choose the husband for the daughter was a tradition that was no longer useful in the early 20th century, and so would have to go.

Well, okay, fair enough. But the kid Me didn't understand at all about tradition. Well, my kids are in a really different position, with parents who are perfectly happy to Pause and Explain. In our house, Madison is the second biggest fan of the Pause button (David is the biggest fan). We do a lot of Explaining.

What doesn't get brought out in Fiddler is any real commentary on the issue of tradition per se. Yes, the girls end up marrying the man of their choice, even Chava, who marries the non-Jewish soldier...but that's where Tevye draws the line. I think the show is ambivalent about tradition (sometimes it sustains, and sometimes it gets in the way of real life), and that's about the only conclusion to draw.

What we here in the Ross house are thinking and talking about, though, is INTRINSICISM, the relevant issue vis-a-vis Tradition.

Now, don't get me wrong, we love traditions. Traditions, properly construed, are extremely valuable for a family, for kids. We do a Birthday of the Day. We pass the Oplotek at Christmas and give each other best wishes for the new year. We take the girls to the Highland Gathering in June and explore their Scottish heritage and listen to the bagpipes. We go to Brown's Berry Patch with our Cuban friends every Fourth of July to pick cherries and celebrate freedom.

Family traditions give kids a sense of security and confidence in what they can expect. They are soothing. They form a chain of memories, a solid base from which kids can extend themselves.

But! But.

Tradition simply for the sake of tradition is wrong. There must be a reason for any individual or family to adopt any particular tradition. Hear that? We don't make chrusciki simply because the girls are partly Polish, and that's what you're "supposed to do"--we make chrusciki because it's the most awesome pastry in the world, and we also enjoy the story about the girls' great-great grandmother Karolina that goes along with it. We don't eat pork on New Year's because the girls are Cuban -- in fact, they're NOT Cuban! But our dear friends are, and Tatiana's roast pork is delicious, and we think about what pork used to be able to mean to Cubans before the Revolution, and we think about the same things that Americans of Cuban descent think about when they eat their New Year's pork and mourn the fact that their families back in Cuba can no longer get meat.

So! Let's say it loudly:

SOME TRADITIONS ARE STUPID AND HORRIBLE AND SHOULD BE TOSSED OUT ON THEIR EAR!

And the ones that are empty or done for no reason are a waste of time and should be abandoned, too.

An unexamined life based mostly on tradition is not a life well-lived.

I am reminded of a talk I saw Marsha Enright give over 10 years ago, in which she advocated thinking about everything we do in daily life, down to the handshake, and having reasons for each thing. For most things, there IS a good reason; it's just important to be aware of it. It was a really good exercise.

So...examine your traditions, and make sure there's a good WHY for all of them.