The girls have been squabbling an inordinate amount lately. It's really ramped up in the last month or so.
Partly, I think it's that Ella, who has historically been so easy-going, has stopped automatically giving in when Madison gets aggressive. And they're both so easy to take offense. The tiniest things get blown up.
I've had to separate them a LOT lately. Sometimes, I refuse to adjudicate, telling them only that I know that they've decided to escalate a simple discussion about what to do into a whining verbal altercation, and that I just won't allow that. It's incredibly unpleasant to listen to, and if they can't find some way politely to work it out then clearly they can't be around each other. I really, REALLY don't want them to get into this habit of communicating, so I recently came to the conclusion that it's my job to cut it off at the knees quickly, as hard as it may be to tear myself away from whatever I'm doing. I usually give them one chance to reformulate...if they can't do it, I separate them.
As I explained to them last night when my friend Patrick was over and they were going at it for no reason, it's really quite rude to subject a guest to it. I'm simply not going to allow them. They are able to see the reason in this, at least. They don't object when I separate them.
I was talking with Ella about it before she went to bed last night, because lately Madison has been reading a lot and Ella wants to play. Ella can get annoying at such times. I made what may have been a mistake by saying to Ella that when she's at the point at which she realizes reading is a marvelous adventure that she wants to do for pleasure, it will be a lot more peaceful around here because she'll understand, and want to read herself.
She burst into tears.
!?!
"Madison was SIX when she started reading books for pleasure," she sobbed. "And I'm EIGHT."
I was kind of at a loss there. I explained to her, as I have been before, that Madison was DRIVEN to read, she craved those stories and she ignored the words she didn't know, because she wanted to read the stories. And then gradually she knew all the words. At some point, Ella will want to read the stories too...Ella can read now, after all...and then she'll just do it. It kind of doesn't matter WHEN you decide to do it, I said to her.
"But what if that NEVER happens?" She was really upset.
"It will. Ella, the only reason I really have pushed you on this in school is because reading really IS such a pleasure, and the sooner you realize it, the earlier you'll be able to have the pleasure."
The thing is, and I don't know what to do about it, Ella really ISN'T driven by a passion to do, well, anything in particular. She rides along happily with whatever we're doing. But she never really pushes to learn something, accomplish something, do something, all on her own. She's gotten into the Puppy Place books, and I'm glad to indulge her in that, because I want her to have something ALL HER OWN.
It will happen when SHE decides it will happen. And I don't think she likes it being on her head. It's easier for her to think of it "happening" some day, rather than happening when she decides to put a little work in.
And I can't emphasize it too much, because then she'll feel bad that it's "her fault" for it not having happened. To be blunt, at this point, it IS "her fault," although I really don't think in those terms. And there's no need to make ELLA think in those terms, because then it will get in the way of this becoming the marvelous adventure that it really is.
I simply cannot decide whether making her read more would have good effects or bad effects. Sigh. It's all particular to the kid, and I'm amazed to find myself--the only person who would know best--in the position of not knowing what to do.
Maybe I've just got to take away the TV entirely. Not that she watches that much of it. But maybe she needs to be that much more bored.
I don't know.
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4 comments:
I'd still advocate the wait-and-see approach. She's still young. Most kids I know who are big readers don't catch on to reading in a big way until about fourth grade, which Ella's on the cusp of, agewise, and it seems to happen for a lot of kids quite suddenly. It's not the skill--they have that previously--it's this elusive drive thing that makes people want to gulp down books. Kids who do that at younger ages are rarities.
It's a shame that it causes conflict with her sister, though. Maybe they could come up with some kind of system that would allow Madison to have undisturbed reading time. Perhaps there would be a certain place she could go where Ella would agree not to disturb her or something, although if they could agree on this type of thing, they probably wouldn't be fighting, right?
Once again, Adrienne, I appreciate the wisdom that comes from your having worked with thousands of kids who are at this exact age. (To the rest of y'all: She's a children's librarian, the BEST.)
And I also appreciate your generosity in NOT saying, "Hey, Deb, I've told you before that you can relax about this, get a freakin' grip!"
If she was my daughter, I'd be fretting, too, I'm sure. I find that even with my godson, I worry about this kind of thing. I think our impulse as active people is to ACT, so it leaves us in a bit of a quandary when the best course of action is to kind of let things go. I know for me that's a counterintuitive thing.
I feel your pain. The fighting siblings one and the reading but only because you want me to one.
My 7 1/2 year old is finally at the point where she can read mechanically (I think she's getting 90% of the words right without struggling) but she hasn't found a passion for reading yet.
I hope to hear some good information soon so I can figure out how to light that fire as well.
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