A friend who lacks confidence told me that she wished I could give seminars on how to do it. Barring that, though, she asked for advice. Now, I'm no psychologist; I don't know how to go about advising grown adults about how to acquire confidence when they don't have much. But I could outline my principles for her. Here is what I told her; please feel free to chime in, folks, because you nice people have great ideas.
1) All human actions either sustain what is good in human life, or destroy it, to some degree. Always plan, and then act, on the side of creation rather than destruction. In other words, don't do bad stuff, ever. Appreciating that you don't do bad stuff gives you the backbone to live confidently rather than slinking away from the world.
2) Know a lot about some things--why and how to act decently toward others, and also facts about the world. That way, there's never any shame in NOT knowing the things you don't know, and you never have to be embarrassed about it. Keep creating things, and take pleasure in what you create.
3) Be calmly objective, rather than harsh with yourself. If after careful consideration, you think you might have done something wrong, rectify it. As soon as you realize you're wrong, you're right.
4) Be your own, and only, true judge (aside from the judge that is reality); realize that people who try to tear others down are morons whose opinion does not matter. If you grasp this fully, you won't take their rejection personally, and you may even recognize their rejection as a good thing (you WANT to be rejected by the bad people). On the other hand, it certainly does help to have a close friend with a nice dry shoulder at these times; it takes me a while to shake off nastiness aimed in my direction. Either people are right, and you HAVE made a mistake (in which case see #3), or THEY'RE mistaken or possibly even evil, and you haven't.
5) Be cheerful, as unshakably cheerful as you can be. This not only elevates your confidence, but it makes others happy to be around you, which also elevates your confidence.
Other advice? Comment, please!
"Mariposario" means "butterfly sanctuary" in Spanish and is the name of our home school. My two little butterflies are Madison (10 1/2) and Ella (9). This blog records the minutiae of Madison and Ella's learning, mostly for me to keep records of progress, but also so that others can add their two cents.
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6 comments:
I love this list and completely agree with 1-4. "As soon as you realize you're wrong, you're right" is great.
But could you explain why 5 is so important?
I struggle mightily with not-parenting-children-whose-parents-are-near-me and I'm always unhappy in that situation, which I am in an amazing amount of the time for someone who has made it clear that she is wholely uncomfortable with it.
I have a really difficult time being cheerful in this case. It feels wrong. How should I think of that challenge so that I can approach it cheerfully?
Aren't you taking responsibility for these children and then becoming unhappy because you can't act on your judgment? Can you let that go? Can you talk to yourself about how it's impossible to be responsible for them?
Also, could you talk to the children directly about what they're doing, but in a respectful manner, giving suggestions to them about what they should or shouldn't do, in that way perhaps influencing the parents? You might feel better, less frustrated.
I hope this is the right way to respond to Deb's original post...
Great list Deb, really wonderful analysis of some effective attitudes and psychological tools.
Some people are temperamentally more sensitive to criticism, more worried about being wrong (perfectionists), about being embarrassed at doing the wrong thing.
These people can oftentimes help themselves through the work of U. Penn professor Martin Seligman and others, who've been studying successful happy people. They've discovered that these people have a different cognitive style. They've developed tools to use to help people become more like this in their style. Here's a useful website:
http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx
Thanks for chiming in, Marsha, both to answer Lynne and with Seligman's stuff. I had a feeling you'd have something valuable to offer.
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I hadn't been quite sure how to answer you about #5, Lynne, because while I realize it's a different kind of advice from 1-4, cheerfulness has always felt really important to me vis-a-vis confidence.
Sometimes, I can't be cheerful about what's going on in front of you because it doesn't warrant it, as in the situation you find yourself in with respect to other kids and their parents. So at those times, I must focus my attention a bit elsewhere, and find something else to be cheerful about, so I don't let the problem in front of me get me down.
Of course, it's impossible to be cheerful in a tragedy, and during those times, it's obviously inappropriate.
But then there are times when you have to put it on, even if it's difficult: E.g., if you're camping in the Adirondacks and it's 40 degrees and raining at 10pm and it's just you with two small girls in a leaking pup tent and there's nothing between you and some real or imagined bears except thin nylon and the bathroom is down the road and you can't imagine how you ever thought this was a good idea.
At such times, it's good to have practiced being cheerful even under adverse conditions. (At that time, I focused with the girls on what a GREAT story this was going to make someday.)
As a bonus, surviving that camping trip with my good attitude intact really boosted my confidence about being able to handle just about any situation. This proved handy because on the way home from that trip, the Subaru engine blew while we were on the New York State Thruway.
Thank you both for the comments. Yes, Marsha, I am taking responsibility for these kids and am then unable to act on my own judgment - which, admittedly, would often amount to saying to them, "Sit down and be respectful!"
I should note, when I am alone with these kids, even as a group, there isn't much of a problem. They are high-spirited, but respectful. But when the parents are nearby each child seems to feel entitled to jump on furniture, get into places they shouldn't go, do things they know they shouldn’t be doing. None of the kids seems to have a respect for the property of others.
I guess I'm just uncomfortable with what I see as telling other people (my friends in most cases) how they should raise their children to be more respectful of other's property. I need to be better at communicating this problem to the children directly and if their parents are there – I need to view it as an opportunity to teach them as well rather than something to be avoided as I had previously decided it was.
I may not get to test out my new strategy for a few months. I'll try to let you know how it works out. Just having it in place makes me a little more cheerful. Thanks.
Miss Manners had a great solution to the problem of misbehaving children when their parents are present.
She suggests you say to the child "Please dear, you might get hurt," while holding on to his or her arm tightly with your hand!
Very effective...
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